Trust

"Never have I ever have trust issues in my life”

That statement would be true if I’m still 19 years old in the beginning of 2014. Now, it is almost the end of 2016. The statement would be a major lie. Well, I guess it has been a major lie for the past two years.

You can’t satisfy everyone’s feelings.

I learnt that, probably not in the hardest way but it was painful. I grew up with the tradition of not belonging to a group of friends that I tell stories to, talk everyday, sleepover or hang out with over the weekends. Probably because my mum would never let me go out with my friends but I’m sure that’s not the only reason.

When I was in primary school, I did have a group of friends but we were little and there wasn’t much things that we could talk about as young children. And among that group of friends, there was only 1 person that I trust the most. The one that knows the full details to my story and of course, the first person ever to know about my love life. Comes high school and we both grew apart. We were in different school, in different states but Alhamdulillah, we still keep in touch. We don’t need to talk everyday but when we meet, we click and talk as if we do that everyday.

When I entered into the first phase of high school, I tripped and tumbled in the first few months. Probably because it was a new school, in a different place, far from home but I managed eventually. I was part of a new group of friends. But this time, there was more than 1 person who knows the story of my love life. In second phase of high school, we were separated into different classes. Our circle of friends changed and was no longer the same. We weren’t as close as we used to be, but we still talk. I found a new group of friends in my class but I never quite belong til come a new girl and we clicked. She’s my high school sweetheart. She's probably the person I trust most now other than my family and Remedy.

Entered college, I became extremely close with a girl. Wait no, scratch that. With a bitch. We clicked immediately. It was amazing. Then 1 day, I made a "mistake" of being clingy with Remedy and things started to fall into its place. We were still okay but we fought a lot. She complains, I say sorry, we try to fix things, I became clingy again and the circle goes on and on until we became roommates and I guess things sort of got better. I was happy. And she was too, I think. Then New Zealand was calling. We were going to the same university. We were excited. I thought things will be good after all.

Man, I was wrong.

Few days before flying, I found out something. I ignored it thinking maybe it was my fault after all. We arrived in Wellington and true colours started to show. I was hurt. Badly. I was crying a lot. It was lonely, and painful and life sucks. But things were okay. I got involved with other things and started doing things for me and not thinking bout others, especially her. It took me a while but I delete her for good out of my life. When that happened, I was approached by new friends. We became close and I finally feel the sense of belonging again. I was in a much happier place.

But deep down, despite all the laughs and smiles and good memories with them, I don’t think I could ever trust them fully. Don't get me wrong, I love each and every one of them so much and I appreciate them dearly. It's just that sometimes, I wonder and I don't know for sure if at the end of the day, when something happens, can I rely on them fully to be there for me? I know I would do for them but would they do the same? I keep reminding myself to never over appreciate people or I would get hurt. Every time I do something nice for people, I question myself would they do the same for me and the answers are often negative and I ended up pushing away people. People who deserves to be in my life. It's annoying.

And I have bitch to thank for that.

And also bitch, thank you for becoming a bitch. Would have never known that my life would be so complete and happy and much much much better without you!