The Big Doubt

I reached into Moma’s handbag and grab the envelope. My parents name written there. I took out the wedding card. It was white, sort of silverfish white, kinda shiny. I could feel the pattern on the card. It was beautiful.

Bride & Groom , 17th December 2016

I’ve known the bride for a while now. I don’t really know her. I just know her name, how does she looks like, who her father was (Moma’s colleague) and who was she getting married to (Stiff’s brother). All I know that she is pretty and supersmart. Like really really supersmart. The kind of daughter that always get good grades, achieve the highest possible recognition, make her parents and family super proud and leave a great benchmark for her small brothers and sisters to follow.

It would be a dream come true to be as good as her. Insya Allah, it will be. Amin.

“So, when’s your daughter’s turn?”

“No one wants her,”

OUCH! That did not hurt at all.

Moma so mean. I guess there’s a reason for her to answer the way she did. She’s been asking me lately how serious is Syema. Are we just friends? Or are we still a thing?

Well, in 11 days, Syema would turn 3. I still remember Daniela’s question, “When will Syema’s fatuation (this is actually not a word, hmm) phase will end?” Probably never. It’s almost three years now and we still say the three words all day every day. The only difference is that, there’s more teasing and fighting now (but the fun ones), much much less crying (only applicable to me), less element of surprise, still sweet and very much in love. So, to answer Moma’s question, yes we are still a thing and we are very serious. We are a very serious thing.

Being where we are in our relationship and at our age, of course we have thought about marriage. It’s the common thing to do and me being myself and being a normal girl. I have thought about marriage since I know the definition of ‘wedding’ and of course, I have my own dream wedding and I have been thinking about it. Not a lot, just a sufficient amount. I have always wanted to get married at a young age, around 22 to 23. But deep down, I know that is what I want but not what I will do. Getting married at a young age does sound fun and romantic and cool and it is the trend nowadays but there’s a lot of risk. I always see myself getting married at the age 26 or 27 the way my parents did.

“That’s too late,” Moma would say. “You got married at that age,” she shook her head. “That was in the old days. Things are different now. If you get married now, you will have such a huge difference age with your children,”

That’s another thing. Children. Don’t get me wrong. I love children, playing with them, talking with them, exploring things with them, seeing the world from their view, it’s fun and amazing and wonderful. But having one of my own? That scares the hell out of me. Because of the pain being in labor? Not so much. But after that. The growing up phase. What if the child doesn’t turn out to be as good as I hope she/he would be? What if the child is not happy? I just don’t want them to grow unhappy and I don’t want them to grow and crushing my dreams at the same time. That is why I want to get married late. Let me build my career, earn as much money as I can, live my life freely without having to think about a little me. It’s gonna be hard to travel and explore the world with a little me. There’ll be so much to think about once there’s little me.

I guess Moma kinda understand my explanation and the reason behind it but then she would say, “Are you sure he won’t leave you? You have another six years to wait, and all that time you’re gonna meet new guys which you will say no to because you have him and finally when you’re 27, something bad might happen and Syema is no more. When that happens, what will happen to you? No guys will want you anymore cause you’re old.”

There’s THE BIG DOUBT. It will always, without fail rise every time we have this conversation. I know she believes in this relationship (I think), she’s not saying that because she disapprove him or whatsoever, it’s just that she’s scared for me. She wants the best for me and she doesn’t want me to get hurt. To be honest, almost everyone has THE BIG DOUBT. Not just my mum. They won’t admit it but I know they have it or had it. If I show you a picture, you too would easily have THE BIG DOUBT. If you know our story and know us for real, you would probably believe in it. And of course, like everyone else, I have THE BIG DOUBT as well. It used to make me sooooooooo sooooooo soooooo insecure. Not so much now. Probably because I have put my trust in it and accept whatever may come. We had so many challenges in our first year together. Boys kept on influencing him to dump me but he stayed strong and said no. I have always told him “leave me” whenever we have a big fight but he stayed strong and said no. He was always reminded of the fact that he could get better girls, prettier girls, ones that are perfect for him, but he stayed strong and said no. That is why I trust him.